The Empty Life?

What is life, when you suddenly find yourself floating in an empty limbo where nothing is what you remember it being? Is it really empty? Has life ended from what you used to know it being? Or have you simply moved on to a new existence, and suddenly find you have to make your own new world?

Life is about creating new experiences and allowing them to direct you and to take you to where you thought you could never go.

I am in the process of graduating from BYU-Idaho, waiting for the paperwork to finish and the actual graduation to occur in December. In the meanwhile, I find myself confused and somewhat lost. I haven't quite finished school, but at the same time, everything is done and I'm just waiting on the formalities to really give myself a sense of accomplishment and finality, to let myself say my goodbyes and let that life move into the past.

Yet, I think that life will never allow the past to fade away completely. It continues to haunt, to remind, to sneak around a corner when you least expect it, or something it even just walks right up and slaps you in the face. I find myself now facing my past, yet not my past. Haunting memories and familiarities are mixed up in the present, creating an image that seems to belong more in a kaleiodoscope and not my life. Yet, now I get to deal with it.

Yet, I sit here, wondering what to do. I watch those that I know going through half a million different things, it seems. Some are happy, some are sad. Some seem fulfilled, some seem empty. Some seem close, and some seem distant. Yet, it makes sense, in a number of ways. People are going on with their lives, and so am I, and now we are going in different directions. That's the way of life, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Yet, it leaves me feeling empty. I keep trying to fill the emptiness, yet it never really seems to work. Everything I try just seems to be fluff, nothing substantial. But I don't really know how to find the substantial anymore? Or do I? Maybe I actually do but I just am not giving myself credit for being able to, not allowing myself to because I don't WANT to believe that I can, because I don't WANT to let go of the past and move on to something new.

Well, whatever the case may be, I guess I just gotta smile and keep going with it. Make the most of what I have. What else is there to do, really?

Sleep and Dreams

You know what I think is one of the most under-rated things we have? Sleep.

Being a senior in college, sleep has become something that I am at odds with. Either I don't get enough of it, it is reluctant to come visit me, or we fight all night and neither of us get up in the morning happy. Sleep is a very tricky creature to stay on good terms with.

I'm sure this thought doesn't come as much of a surprise, given than most people I know are either in college or have experienced it at some point in life. It really is a trying thing. And not sleeping, well, that just doesn't help much at all. But you know what they say, we can sleep when we're dead. Sounds good to me. Only 60 more years to go until I can sleep.

Why is it, though, that we dream, but not always happy, or sad, or scary, or pleasant? Why do we wake up from some dreams feeling refreshed, and from others feeling as though we never slept? Why are some dreams so vivid, and others only a murky fog? No new questions for humanity or God here, just finally being repeated by yet another person. I guess it's something that most everyone asks at some point or another. Let's just say, I'm really looking forward to hearing the answer.

Anyway, yeah, this is my first post in a long time. Life tends to get you busy and some things just fall by the wayside. Who knows, maybe I'll keep it up. Maybe not. Guess we'll just have to see in the future.

The Importance of What Matters

Some days I just wonder what exactly is it that I'm trying to accomplish, with all that I do. What exactly are my goals in life? Where am I headed, what am I trying to be? I wonder how often we all ask ourselves these questions. And how often do we honestly answer them?

To answer those questions honest is perhaps the biggest challenge that most of us will ever face in this life. We don't like to accept hard answers and the difficulties that those answers can present us with. We don't want to acknowledge that maybe we did something wrong, or maybe we aren't as good at something as we would like to believe. Maybe we know we should have acted a bit differently with our friends. Perhaps we shouldn't have spent so much time slacking off instead of getting our work done. What about all those times when we said we were doing good, but really weren't, and didn't want anyone to know?

Yeah, it seems to be rather a strange musing. But honestly, think about it, who is going to know? I look at my followers on this blog, and I don't have many. I'm not really using Facebook right now, so this won't get posted on there. So it would be those five people, if they ever bother to see it and check it. How many people really look at this?

And that's one of the questions that I ask myself - what matters? It's one of those questions that really stings a lot, perhaps the most, to ask. Do I really want to know that answer? Not usually, no, actually. I'd often much rather not. Sometimes it's simpler to continue on in the ignorance of my youth, the simplicity that it can bring to my life.

But it doesn't really matter, does it? Life has a great way of taking those things that we need to focus on and address and throwing them in our faces for us to see and acknowledge and deal with, whether we want to or not. It's just one of the many pains of life that we have to deal with, sadly.