What is life, when you suddenly find yourself floating in an empty limbo where nothing is what you remember it being? Is it really empty? Has life ended from what you used to know it being? Or have you simply moved on to a new existence, and suddenly find you have to make your own new world?
Life is about creating new experiences and allowing them to direct you and to take you to where you thought you could never go.
I am in the process of graduating from BYU-Idaho, waiting for the paperwork to finish and the actual graduation to occur in December. In the meanwhile, I find myself confused and somewhat lost. I haven't quite finished school, but at the same time, everything is done and I'm just waiting on the formalities to really give myself a sense of accomplishment and finality, to let myself say my goodbyes and let that life move into the past.
Yet, I think that life will never allow the past to fade away completely. It continues to haunt, to remind, to sneak around a corner when you least expect it, or something it even just walks right up and slaps you in the face. I find myself now facing my past, yet not my past. Haunting memories and familiarities are mixed up in the present, creating an image that seems to belong more in a kaleiodoscope and not my life. Yet, now I get to deal with it.
Yet, I sit here, wondering what to do. I watch those that I know going through half a million different things, it seems. Some are happy, some are sad. Some seem fulfilled, some seem empty. Some seem close, and some seem distant. Yet, it makes sense, in a number of ways. People are going on with their lives, and so am I, and now we are going in different directions. That's the way of life, and there is nothing wrong with it.
Yet, it leaves me feeling empty. I keep trying to fill the emptiness, yet it never really seems to work. Everything I try just seems to be fluff, nothing substantial. But I don't really know how to find the substantial anymore? Or do I? Maybe I actually do but I just am not giving myself credit for being able to, not allowing myself to because I don't WANT to believe that I can, because I don't WANT to let go of the past and move on to something new.
Well, whatever the case may be, I guess I just gotta smile and keep going with it. Make the most of what I have. What else is there to do, really?
