Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I simply sit and wonder,

Staring off into the sky.

What mysteries await me there,

What secrets does it hide?

I often find myself

Treading down life's lonely road.

Yet tis the path I choose to walk,

Despite the the silence there.

My mind has seen the past behind,

And wonders at the future ahead.

Dreams and hope are present there,

But so little certain is.

I sit and marvel at what I can see,

And dream of what is blind.

I seek for that which I hope,

And wait for time to bring to me.

Sometimes I simply sit and wonder,

Dreaming of what might be,

Knowing of how it can be,

But waiting simply for my time to see.

Memories

Today I was over in the Manwaring Center (MC), waiting to meet some people. While I was sitting there, reviewing what I wanted to do this semester in the Sunday School, I stopped and looked around where I was. I was sitting in the outer-most area of the Crossroads, the new-ish cafeteria here at BYU-Idaho. It's a nice place, to be sure, lots of hard work has gone into it. But while I was looking around, seeing the new stuff and the construction still on-going, memories of years back began to flood my mind.

About three years ago, before the construction began, the MC looked a lot different. Instead of the Crossroads, it housed the Galley. What is now a construction area used to be the Bookstore and Nordic Landing (though while I was gone, it was all the Nordic landing, the Bookstore having moved). Part of the current Crossroads used to be the East Ballroom. The passage to the west side of the building, with it's old red tile, it's staircase, West Ballroom, and classrooms have all vanished behind the wall of construction. What used to be an area I was familiar with is now still so foreign to me. So different.

And with the memories of the old MC came the memories of people past. Of the people I used to spend my time with, those whom I associated with. So many years ago. What different lives we now lead. Many have moved on, most married. All have graduated, with the exception of those who were on missions around the same time as each other. Even those of us have begun to wander different ways, finding new people to associate with. Most of those who are left from those early years are busy with classes and work, and a good number with boyfriends/girlfriends. It's strange to watch, even while it is exciting.

Memories are funny things. They seem to strike right when you least expect them, in the most innocent of circumstances, and can have such different effects on you. For me, today, it was a trip back down memory lane, a moment filled with nostalgia as I remembered those whom I used to spend my time with, in the places we used to frequent, and how they are all gone. I thought about where they are now, what little I know about the present. Thoughts about how even I have changed ranged through my mind as I thought about what I now spend my time doing and who I spend it with. Life is very different now from what it once was. Not better, not worse, just different.

The one thing that must be kept in mind about memories is that they shouldn't rule us, no matter how strong they are, how cherished they are, or how hurtful they are. Memories are just that, memories. They are not the present, they are not the future, and they are only a part of us, not the whole of us. Sometimes that's what we struggle with the most, because many of the memories we have are wonderful ones, but it is a part of life that we must learn to accept and continue on despite, or because of them.

A Start

So, as I have been going through life, I've learned one thing: we are perpetually starting new things.

I know that I personally seem to have a more difficult time with completing things if I'm not terribly interested in them, but I can start lots of things. I start this, I start that, but then something else comes along that I find interesting, so I start that and leave the old project behind.

Sometimes I have to pause and wonder why it is that we are always starting new things and yet we so often leave so many things unfinished. It's true, not everyone leaves things unfinished, and not everyone enjoys starting new things all the time. I know several people who don't like starting new things. But in general, we are always starting something new.

My guess, and it's probably a well-known thing, is just that it's hard to hold people's attention spans. Everyone has a different span of time which they can easily pay attention to something. It's when that runs out that it becomes hard to continue on with whatever the project was before. It begins to require hard work and constant effort to complete. Some people are really good at pushing themselves to finish their projects, and some people are not so good at it.

There are many different directions one could take this idea, and the ideas that spring from it. A perfect example. I like this new idea here, so rather than finishing my exploration of the previous thought, I'm going to go chasing this one and see where it goes. Just like I'm doing now. Just like I've done several times already.

Where does all this come from in the first place? Well, it's a new semester at college. A new start. New people, new classes, (some) new instructors, new assignments, new callings (soon to come, hopefully), and many other new things. Sure, there are plenty of old things. But this is one case where I think making a new start is a good thing. Some things should be left alone once they are finished. But that's a thought for another day.

The Oasis of Location

You ever notice how a specific place can become something different, something special? Sometimes, even an oasis from the rest of the world? Each place in our lives has meaning, something different about it. And I don't meant different places in the world, though that can work too. Even places only as different as your bed to your living room couch to your backyard. Each is associated with different things, each different from the other.

People often advocate for staying away from your bed for studying, because your mind subconsciously associates bed with sleeping. Or at least should. If you spend too much time studying on your bed, you may find that you can't sleep on your bed easily. Same if you sleep a lot on your bed, you may find that you can't study well there without becoming sleepy. Each place becomes associated with different things, separate. Each is a specific type of "oasis," so to speak, from the rest of the world around it. Need some sleep? Go to your bed "oasis." Food? Off to the kitchen "oasis." There is an oasis of some sort or another for ever activity.

However, this can sometimes even be a problem. What happens, for instance, when you've long ago associated a specific location with a certain activity, but as the years pass, your interest in said activity wanes? When you go back to that location, that activity is what dominated you there, and that is what your interest there is. It becomes hard to do anything else in that location, because all your mind turns to is what you used to do there. Had a favorite spot on the couch where you used to watch TV, but now want to use it to read? Well, that might explain why your mind is constantly thinking about whatever TV shows might be on while you're sitting there, no matter how engrossing the book. The force of habit and association is a very strong one.

Every location in our lives is an "oasis" of some sort, but each can be a pitfall, too. It all depends on what we make it. Associations occur, so we should be cautious in our lives about what things we associate with certain activities. Sometimes it happens intentionally, sometimes purely by accident, and sometimes we don't even realized it's happened until we go back. You will find, though, that those associations do occur. So choose them well and make them good!

Faded Promises

Have you ever made a promise, forgotten about it, and then years later are reminded of it? Or a promise that someone made to you?

I had that happen to me today. I was up in our attic, looking for a book, when I found a box of old letters. Really old, from the summer of 2007. I began sifting through them, and found some from an old friend of mine with whom I've fallen out of contact. Of all the letters I happened to pick up and read, it was the one in which there was a promise of working to uphold our friendship.

Now I can't deny that my friend didn't try. There was plenty of effort put into our friendship, and it lasted for a good long time. However, life made its inevitable play and we have moved our separate ways. It simply struck me as ironic, that promise. A promise made with hope and determination, but one that time has proved to be rather empty.

I don't blame my friend for our distancing. In fact, I still count my friend as a friend of mine. Time has just pushed us different directions.

We each make promises each and every day. It truly is interesting to see just how few we are actually able to keep as the years move on. We make our promises, well-intended and full of determination and desire, but as the years wear on, we find that we are either unable or no longer wish to keep that promise made some time before. Perhaps, with this new thought in my mind, I'll be a little slower to make promises that I may not be able to keep simply because of the passage of time.

Personality Wars

Does it ever seem to you as though there are almost two of you? Two people, living in your body? I don't mean in the sense of a mental disorder, but somedays I really believe that in a way, there are indeed two of each of us, both within our own body. Our carnal side, and our spiritual side.

Coming from a religious perspective, we are comprised of two parts - a physical body, and a spirit. Each has its different tendencies and desires, goals and aspirations. Each has different strengths and weaknesses. Together, they make an incredible team. It's getting them to always work together that is the hard part.

In my life, I've found that it often seems to be battle of one side verses the other. The carnal verses the spiritual, each fighting for control. When one side eventually wins, the other side won't be banished, only subjugated. It's a war for control of ourselves. Who do we allow to become our ruler? Our carnal nature, seeking the next thrill, thinking of pleasure and the short-term? Or perhaps our spiritual side, seeking our long-term happiness and success, endeavoring to make ourselves and the world better. Whom do we support?
So much depends on which side we feed. I ever love the story of the two wolves, battling inside of us. The one is good, the other bad. The one that wins is the one we feed. Our carnal side is easy to follow and feed - it pretty much knows exactly what to go for and how to get it. Our spiritual side takes work and effort. It is harder, but it allows us more freedom. The choice is ours.

What's in a thought?

Thoughts. Something so powerful as to have controlled human desire for millenia. Something so dangerous that people have killed over it. Something so simple as to take very little work. Something so incredible as to have created masterpieces.

We all think. We all have thoughts, and those thoughts shape who we are and what we become. What thoughts we allow to play in our head determine our actual play. What we think eventually becomes who we are.

It's such a simple concept really, but perhaps because it is so simple, people are afraid of it. They run from it. They fear it. Or perhaps they fear the responsibility for their thoughts. Who really wants to take credit for a base and lewd thought? Yet we are so often eager to take credit for our noble or inventive thoughts. Our thoughts are powerful.

Thoughts have been the cause of the rise and fall of many peoples, nations, groups, and ideals. We continue to have thoughts each and ever day. Even deciding not to think is a thought. Who we are and will become is shaped by our thoughts, be they clean and good and pure, or vile and base and destructive. Who do we want to be? What do we think about? Want to get to know someone? Learn what they think about, and you will learn them.