From Behind the Mask

So, I'm sure many of you have heard me talk about masks before, the idea of hiding behind them, or using them to help disguise how we feel, etc. Or even the idea that sometimes we become to attached to our masks that we start to become our mask (I'm sure there's a Majora's Mask reference in all this somewhere). It's all well and true, but today I wanted to think on something else. The idea that sometimes we hide behind a mask we hadn't even realized was a mask. At least, not fully.

I got this idea when I was challenged to day to change my facebook profile picture to a picture that was actually of me, and not of my avatar. This was done in the name of trying to encourage me to be more socially skilled, and maybe it'll help. That aside, it's left me thinking some. I'm not a huge fan of having my picture taken. No major reason. In fact, I used to be a lot less against it and used to ask people to take my picture in certain circumstances. That's changed over the last few years, and I've begun to wonder why.

I've changed in a lot of ways over the years, in many different areas of my life. Apparently somewhere in there, I picked up a desire to avoid being in front of the camera, preferring to be the one taking the pictures. Thinking on it today, when I was initially challenged to change my picture, my gut reaction was "No way!" Then I paused and thought, just a little, why? Why was I so against changing my picture? Why would I prefer to have my avatar dude, as cool as he is, represent me to the world at large? That's not me, that's not how I look or dress (anymore, it's based off one of the uniforms I used to wear at a former job). It's not even how I act, really. Maybe it was who I wished I was? Was I using it as a pseudo-escape, an imagining of something other than what I perceive myself to be?

This comes in the wake of some other interesting revelations and realizations that I won't share here, but suffice to say, have left me thinking about a lot of things. One big one I will share is that of self-image, how I see myself. It's with that in mind that I have been approaching this picture/mask idea. I think it's quite possible that I turned my avatar into the mask it appears to be, not just because a guy standing there looking intimidating (as intimidating as a Minecraft-esk character can be) with a bow is cool, but because it wasn't me. It was something different, something that to me embodied hopes and dreams of maybe who I could be, not who I was, or who I perceived myself to be.

Hiding behind masks is nothing new, especially for me. But this one caught me by surprise. I can't say that I won't continue to hide behind masks now and again, but I am hopeful that now I can see a bit more of who I am, and see myself when I am moving to hide behind a mask without realizing it. Being me is something that I need to work on more, and stop hiding behind the many faces I'd rather others see.